I started doing “Revists” when I ran across two documents that I was working on in 2017 to gain consistency in writing. A good chunk of the entries are light and funny, but some of them are very heavy, particularly entries from November 2017 onwards. I tried making two promises to myself to stick with the daily writing project, both of which I fell short on. This post is from the midst of a show week and a deep “blue period” for me. When I first read this post, I cried when I realized how much hurt I was dealing with at the time that I didn’t fully grasp. This was at a point in my life where I was refusing to get help or to deal with issues that needed to be addressed. Point of reference: writing in bold is the original text, writing in italics commentary.
I’m so thankful to past Abby for not putting a quantity goal on this project if mine, because as this semester comes to a close, I’m not going to have any extra time to even breathe. Oh just you wait until the spring semester, Abby. I was PISSED last night when Kelsey emailed us saying we had Short and Sweet rehearsal, because I was going to use tonight to try and get ahead on some homework. It was a huge sigh of relief when she sent an email this morning saying it was a false alarm, but I was quite irritated still to say the least. Kelsey, if you’re reading this, I love you, Grandmama. Receiving that email from you was awesome.
Trying to get everything organized is going to be the death of me. I’ve got three giant projects to finish for my studio classes, and I think I’m biting off more than I can chew. Ha. Yes, yes you were. You’re gonna be doing that for another year and a half. Oh well. Trying to get that freaking portfolio together so that maybe the art department will give me more money next semester. Man, I am glad that I dropped down to an animation minor and that I don’t have to deal with applying for scholarships for my Bachelor’s anymore.
Oh my gosh, I literally have no idea when I’ll get these art projects done, I’m going to die. You made it through, it’s okay. Why are my projects always so elaborate? Because you like to challenge yourself. Why can’t I be a bum and just BS my work like half my peers do? Well… Because I’m a freaking over achiever and if I don’t push myself to do my very best I feel like a loser. Let’s try and rephrase this: I give my best effort in every area of my life, but if I fall short of my personal expectations, that doesn’t mean I’ve failed.
I know I’m not a perfectionist. Eeeeeeh wondering if that isn’t the case. I most definitely slack off on some stuff. I wish there was a term for a person who wants everything to look great.
I guess there is a word for that…
Which you already used, Abby
Dummy Oh sweet girl.
Ugh, I need to be kinder to myself. I guess I sort of did something for myself today. I made a sheet of photos and “illegally” printed them in the office. It’s technically not illegal, but they would probably be mad if I used company time to make a sheet of scrapbook photos. Oof, I remember this day. It was a really slow day, but I felt really bad about it.
I’m the worst.
I have found recently I am giving less-of-a-crap for a lot of things that I probably shouldn’t. Having to work my ass off constantly is exhausting; I don’t have time to give a crap anymore. Side bar: adding a Sabbath to my weekly routine has been the best thing I have done for myself over this past month of my life. Hopefully this isn’t how I’ll always be. It’s not: now you care almost a bit too much. I want to “give a crap” about stuff. I want to care. I just feel like I’ve turned into a robot of negative emotions. I’m a Tin Man. I don’t have a heart.
That’s a huge hyperbole, because I do care. I obviously do; I cry on my boyfriend all the time. Which that needs to change ASAP, Abby. You’re an annoying hot mess who needs to get their act together and stop being a Debbie-Downer all the time. You’re afraid of everything and it’s dumb. Snap out of it. WOW WOW WOW. I wish I could say I didn’t talk to myself like this anymore, but sentences like this come out of my mouth often. God bless my life allies who are good at helping refute negative self-talk.
I should never be a counselor.
In other news, I’m gonna stop taking birth control. I think it’s one of the reasons I’m an emotional pipe bomb all the time. Ah yes, a choice that was influenced by people who don’t believe in medicine. Granted, there are other factors, but I am thinking the additional hormones being added to my body aren’t really helping. Maybe my period will be normal now, I dunno, but at this point, I’ve gotta fix my brain for the good of everyone around me.
I don’t have a cute little button for this post. To be quite honest, two different drafts are sitting on my desktop that I got half way through this week but abandoned for the time being. It’s okay to admit to yourself that you’re not alright. At times, you’ve gotta take a step back, breathe, and do what you need to take care of yourself. That can mean spending two hours with your Disney Princess coloring book while watching “The Office.” Or, it can mean blasting a T-Pain album while beating up bad guys in your Spider-Man video game. Sometimes, it means sleeping through the day.
As stated before, I wrote this original post during a very low period of my life. Full disclosure, I’m in a much lower valley now than I was on November 27th, 2017. I don’t write this post to say, “Oh, woe is me, everyone should feel bad for me.” I share this very vulnerable part of my brain in hopes that someone else can be helped by hearing my story. So, in absence of a button-ending, I’ll leave you with this: take care of yourself, not for the benefit of other people, but for *you*. You are important and worth the effort.
Until Next Time,